It's almost time to head back to the RE =)
I'm really excited about getting back and starting a new cycle!! In a *perfect* world I would get pregnant this next cycle, but either way, I'm anxious for the "process" to begin again. The possibility of another BFP is making me smile!!! <3 Please keep us in your prayers!!! We are really hoping to be SUPER PREGNANT by summer =)
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
<3 1 Week <3
Baby Tres has been in Heaven for 1 week, and Asher & Noah have been in Heaven for 2 years 3 months and 1 week.....sigh......I miss my babies, all THREE of them! =(
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Distractions
After a loss, I think the most beneficial thing to do is find ways to distract yourself. Not necessarily to deprive yourself of greiving, but to maintain balance in your heart. No good comes from being SAD all the time.
This is something that I learned the hard way after losing the boys. I didn't LET myself be happy. For MONTHS after Asher & Noah died, if I even cracked a smile I would immediately feel terribly guilty and begin to cry. I felt like a horrible person (mother) for being happy at all after their death. I let this drag on for well over a year. I finally had to let go an realize that my boys WANTed their mommy to be happy, and they wanted their mommy and daddy to stay together. That wasn't going to happen if I didn't let my sadness go. David (bless his heart) dealt with so much from me and I honestly cannot believe that he never packed his shit and got the hell out of dodge. He loves me, and he believes in me. He's a great man and I'm so blessed to have been able to know him for 15 years.
So those lessons learned have brought me to where I am today. Once again, saddened by the loss of yet ANOTHER baby. 3 babies in three years. I think that worth crying over, and I HAVE cried. But I am allowing myself to smile and laugh too. We rented "The Proposal" last nite and I actually thought it was funny, inspite of my horrible week, I have maintained a sense of humor and have not allowed this loss to destroy me the way it did the first time. I'm actually really proud of myself. David is proud too. He's told everyone who has asked how I'm doing, "She's doing a million times better than I expected"---He was already bracing himself for another meltdown, but that never came.
So now we have a little over 3 weeks before we head back to the RE. My appt. is set for December 1st at 7AM. I'm very optimistic and hopeful. Thanksgiving is going to be bittersweet as I know everyone will be ooohing and ahhhing over my new neice, totally oblivious to the fact that I lost Tres. It's going to be sad, but I'm going to try to pull through it.
In the mean time, I'm just trying to focus on being really healthy. I've been pumping myself full of fertiity meds for YEARS and now I'm taking the month of November to detoxify my body. I cannot commit 100% as I am just not a health freak, but can definitely make some changes for the better.
I am currently working on detoxing by drinking about 10oz of warm filtered water with fresh squeezed lemon water and olive oil every morning. The lemon juice is a antiseptic which detoxes your liver, which in turn more efficiently cleans your blood. The olive oil helps keep your digestive track moving, so that the toxins that are being removed from your liver and blood and get out of your body in a timely fashion =P
I'm also drinking a mug of organic green tea (with a slice of lemon) every nite before bed. Green tea is a super anti oxidant which helps rid your body of free radicals.....I'm hopeful that this process (along with numerous other healthy habits) will help to improve the overall health of my reproductive track and get me ready to carry my miracle baby to term <3
This is something that I learned the hard way after losing the boys. I didn't LET myself be happy. For MONTHS after Asher & Noah died, if I even cracked a smile I would immediately feel terribly guilty and begin to cry. I felt like a horrible person (mother) for being happy at all after their death. I let this drag on for well over a year. I finally had to let go an realize that my boys WANTed their mommy to be happy, and they wanted their mommy and daddy to stay together. That wasn't going to happen if I didn't let my sadness go. David (bless his heart) dealt with so much from me and I honestly cannot believe that he never packed his shit and got the hell out of dodge. He loves me, and he believes in me. He's a great man and I'm so blessed to have been able to know him for 15 years.
So those lessons learned have brought me to where I am today. Once again, saddened by the loss of yet ANOTHER baby. 3 babies in three years. I think that worth crying over, and I HAVE cried. But I am allowing myself to smile and laugh too. We rented "The Proposal" last nite and I actually thought it was funny, inspite of my horrible week, I have maintained a sense of humor and have not allowed this loss to destroy me the way it did the first time. I'm actually really proud of myself. David is proud too. He's told everyone who has asked how I'm doing, "She's doing a million times better than I expected"---He was already bracing himself for another meltdown, but that never came.
So now we have a little over 3 weeks before we head back to the RE. My appt. is set for December 1st at 7AM. I'm very optimistic and hopeful. Thanksgiving is going to be bittersweet as I know everyone will be ooohing and ahhhing over my new neice, totally oblivious to the fact that I lost Tres. It's going to be sad, but I'm going to try to pull through it.
In the mean time, I'm just trying to focus on being really healthy. I've been pumping myself full of fertiity meds for YEARS and now I'm taking the month of November to detoxify my body. I cannot commit 100% as I am just not a health freak, but can definitely make some changes for the better.
I am currently working on detoxing by drinking about 10oz of warm filtered water with fresh squeezed lemon water and olive oil every morning. The lemon juice is a antiseptic which detoxes your liver, which in turn more efficiently cleans your blood. The olive oil helps keep your digestive track moving, so that the toxins that are being removed from your liver and blood and get out of your body in a timely fashion =P
I'm also drinking a mug of organic green tea (with a slice of lemon) every nite before bed. Green tea is a super anti oxidant which helps rid your body of free radicals.....I'm hopeful that this process (along with numerous other healthy habits) will help to improve the overall health of my reproductive track and get me ready to carry my miracle baby to term <3
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Angel #3
Tres is in the arms of Asher and Noah now. I went in a day early for an U/S and there was "no baby". My pregnancy has been diagnosed as a bighted ovum and I had a D&C this morning at 11. Physically, I feel fine. Emotionally, I am numb.
I feel so deflated, but I'm thankful that God allowed us to discover this early instead of waayyy later. I go back in 7-10 days to check my HCG levels and make sure they're going down. I will go back the first week in December so that we can try again.....thank you for the prayers <3
I feel so deflated, but I'm thankful that God allowed us to discover this early instead of waayyy later. I go back in 7-10 days to check my HCG levels and make sure they're going down. I will go back the first week in December so that we can try again.....thank you for the prayers <3
Sunday, November 1, 2009
God Is In Control
I went to church this morning and prayed for my little Tres <3
I went up to the altar at the service's closing and broke down in tears. I pleaded with God to make Tres's heart beat. The pastor noticed how distraught I was and came over to me and prayed with me. It was beautiful. It gave me so much hope in Wednesday's appointment. But I KNOW that no matter what, God is in control and He loves me and little Tres so very much. He has a plan and I trust Him <3
I went up to the altar at the service's closing and broke down in tears. I pleaded with God to make Tres's heart beat. The pastor noticed how distraught I was and came over to me and prayed with me. It was beautiful. It gave me so much hope in Wednesday's appointment. But I KNOW that no matter what, God is in control and He loves me and little Tres so very much. He has a plan and I trust Him <3
Saturday, October 31, 2009
From Lindsey-A JM Friend <3
Lindsey,
Thank you so much! This was everything that I needed right now. You are so amazing for thinking of me and taking the time to share this inspirational piece with me. Words cannot express my gratitude <3
WORRY
Excerpt from "AWESOME"
by T.D. Jakes
You've been on my mind and heart. I see you struggling and planning, worrying and sweating, crying and running, at a furious pace. You're trying to move that mountain by yourself again, huh?
God asks that we cast all our cares on Him because He cares. Think about what your worrying says to God when you refuse to give things over to Him.
When you worry about money, you're telling Him that He is unable to provide for His children ... that although He has riches beyond belief in Heaven, He is too stingy to share them with you.
When you worry that no one understands you, you're telling Him that although He has been with you since before you were formed in the womb, and has carved you into the palm of His hand, He doesn't know you.
When you worry that you will not have enough food, you're telling Him that although He rained down bread from Heaven in the desert to feed His children, you are the one He's forgotten.
When you worry that your enemies will have victory over you, you're telling God that although He has given you spiritual battlegear to defend yourself, that despite His track record of being a giant slayer, Red Sea divider, lion mouth closer and a furnace cooler, He can't handle your co-worker, your neighbor or a former friend.
When you worry that your children have decided to follow the world instead of your example, you're telling God that He doesn't keep His promises....That despite the fact that you have raised them up in the way they should go, they'll stray because basically, He lied.
When you worry because the doctors told you that children are impossible, that a cure is impossible, that healing is impossible, you're telling Him that this world controls your fate. You're saying that prayer time with Him is nearly something to pass the time. You're saying that although He can raise the dead, make a virgin conceive, open the womb of a woman well past eighty, heal a 12 year issue of blood, make the blind see and the lame walk, He can't help you.
When you worry that you won't be able to do enough to earn forgiveness, you're telling Him "that's ok Lord, no need for Your Son to die, I can earn my own forgiveness." Let's just act like Jesus never died, and tell Him never mind, that He doesn't need to go to the cross.
When you worry that no one will love you, that you'll be lonely for the rest of your life, you're telling Him that His love is insufficient ... that He couldn't possibly love you enough to ward away loneliness. You're saying that although He has promised life more abundantly, He was lying .... that despite the fact that He started off saying that it is not good that we be alone, He's changed His mind.
When you worry and refuse to give the problem over to Him, you're telling Him that although He could create the world, He can't handle what's going on in your world, so you will. You are saying that He won't work things out, that obstacles cannot be overcome, that mountains can't be climbed, that healing cannot occur, that what is lost will not be found, that joy does not come in the morning, that He is not the God of a second chance, that the promised land has been swallowed up by the desert, that you have discovered the height, depth and width of His love and found it to fall short of your needs.
Think about all that you're saying to the one who loves you the most and who has all power, really think about it. Then open your hands and release what you've been holding onto. Bow down on your knees and ask Him to forgive you for doubting Him. Walk away with a peaceful heart and note the footsteps that go before you to make the crooked places straight, a way in the wilderness, and later springing forth in the desert.
"Stand in a stream with waters around your ankles. The waters that pass by you at that moment, you will never see again. So it is with the misery that has challenged your life ... let it go, let it pass away."
Read more: http://www.justmommies.com/forums/private.php?do=showpm&pmid=410368#ixzz0VZ01Xy4h
Thank you so much! This was everything that I needed right now. You are so amazing for thinking of me and taking the time to share this inspirational piece with me. Words cannot express my gratitude <3
WORRY
Excerpt from "AWESOME"
by T.D. Jakes
You've been on my mind and heart. I see you struggling and planning, worrying and sweating, crying and running, at a furious pace. You're trying to move that mountain by yourself again, huh?
God asks that we cast all our cares on Him because He cares. Think about what your worrying says to God when you refuse to give things over to Him.
When you worry about money, you're telling Him that He is unable to provide for His children ... that although He has riches beyond belief in Heaven, He is too stingy to share them with you.
When you worry that no one understands you, you're telling Him that although He has been with you since before you were formed in the womb, and has carved you into the palm of His hand, He doesn't know you.
When you worry that you will not have enough food, you're telling Him that although He rained down bread from Heaven in the desert to feed His children, you are the one He's forgotten.
When you worry that your enemies will have victory over you, you're telling God that although He has given you spiritual battlegear to defend yourself, that despite His track record of being a giant slayer, Red Sea divider, lion mouth closer and a furnace cooler, He can't handle your co-worker, your neighbor or a former friend.
When you worry that your children have decided to follow the world instead of your example, you're telling God that He doesn't keep His promises....That despite the fact that you have raised them up in the way they should go, they'll stray because basically, He lied.
When you worry because the doctors told you that children are impossible, that a cure is impossible, that healing is impossible, you're telling Him that this world controls your fate. You're saying that prayer time with Him is nearly something to pass the time. You're saying that although He can raise the dead, make a virgin conceive, open the womb of a woman well past eighty, heal a 12 year issue of blood, make the blind see and the lame walk, He can't help you.
When you worry that you won't be able to do enough to earn forgiveness, you're telling Him "that's ok Lord, no need for Your Son to die, I can earn my own forgiveness." Let's just act like Jesus never died, and tell Him never mind, that He doesn't need to go to the cross.
When you worry that no one will love you, that you'll be lonely for the rest of your life, you're telling Him that His love is insufficient ... that He couldn't possibly love you enough to ward away loneliness. You're saying that although He has promised life more abundantly, He was lying .... that despite the fact that He started off saying that it is not good that we be alone, He's changed His mind.
When you worry and refuse to give the problem over to Him, you're telling Him that although He could create the world, He can't handle what's going on in your world, so you will. You are saying that He won't work things out, that obstacles cannot be overcome, that mountains can't be climbed, that healing cannot occur, that what is lost will not be found, that joy does not come in the morning, that He is not the God of a second chance, that the promised land has been swallowed up by the desert, that you have discovered the height, depth and width of His love and found it to fall short of your needs.
Think about all that you're saying to the one who loves you the most and who has all power, really think about it. Then open your hands and release what you've been holding onto. Bow down on your knees and ask Him to forgive you for doubting Him. Walk away with a peaceful heart and note the footsteps that go before you to make the crooked places straight, a way in the wilderness, and later springing forth in the desert.
"Stand in a stream with waters around your ankles. The waters that pass by you at that moment, you will never see again. So it is with the misery that has challenged your life ... let it go, let it pass away."
Read more: http://www.justmommies.com/forums/private.php?do=showpm&pmid=410368#ixzz0VZ01Xy4h
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Another Day Pregnant
Why does this feel like deja vu?? Here I am, blessed with another pregnancy and yet I'm being tortured by the unknown. I can no longer just "enjoy" being pregnant, but instead I have to fear the worst for my unborn miracle. I am just trying to cherish every moment with my baby. Little Tres may never know what a blessing he really is, but I can only pray that our u/s next week can leave us with SOME HOPE of a positive outcome.
Today I was sitting here thinking about the boys, and now Tres, and how much my life has changed in the past 3 years. I've been forced to grow up so much. Yes, I CHOSE to get pregnant, and I knew there was a lot of growing up to do in order to be a good mommy, but more growing up has to be done for the Mommy who loses her baby.
I'm just trying to cling to the fact that I AM a Mommy. To three babies. Three beautiful babies. It got me thinking about one of my favorite childhood books-"Love You Forever"
Asher, Noah, and Tres-- I'll love you forever, I'll love you for always, as long as I'm living, my babies you'll be <3
Today I was sitting here thinking about the boys, and now Tres, and how much my life has changed in the past 3 years. I've been forced to grow up so much. Yes, I CHOSE to get pregnant, and I knew there was a lot of growing up to do in order to be a good mommy, but more growing up has to be done for the Mommy who loses her baby.
I'm just trying to cling to the fact that I AM a Mommy. To three babies. Three beautiful babies. It got me thinking about one of my favorite childhood books-"Love You Forever"
Asher, Noah, and Tres-- I'll love you forever, I'll love you for always, as long as I'm living, my babies you'll be <3
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